Tuesday, June 17, 2014

EM Reviews - The Sales Crime Policeman by David J. Rollins

About the Book
Science Fiction / Humor / Romance
Date Published: November 19, 2013

The future is no place to fall in love. 

Amazing advances in technology have all but replaced relationships. People can purchase spouses programmed to their individual tastes and desires, anything from an aversion to expensive guilt gifts to perfumed flatulence. Attachments are even available for the more discriminating customers. Anyone can have anyone they want, as long as they don’t want someone who looks like someone else. That’s against the law. It could also make things a little awkward at social events.

For one man, technology is not enough. He is a Telepathic Vacuum Cleaner Salesperson Policeman, and he wants to fall in love with a real woman. Like most men, he is not perfect. He has no name. He had to give up that up when he became a policeman. He is terribly afraid of roller coasters. And he doesn’t have any attachments.

When he finds the woman of his dreams, she is not what he expected. Like most women, she doesn’t feel the same way about him. She has a spouse certified to be her perfect mate. And she is in prison. The policeman had her arrested, because she is one of the most wanted criminals in his world.

Now, the policeman has to choose between everything he is and everything he wants.

The future is no place to fall in love.


“I just want a name,” the lonely officer said to his friend without looking at him. “I just want to meet someone.”

“You’re not going to start that again, are you?”

“I just think I would be able to deal with this all much better if I were in a relationship. You know, if I had someone to love.”

“So go buy one. I’ve told you before, it’s really worth it. It’s even more economical, if you factor in the cost of dating and guilt gifts. I’ve told you about Spouse Now! They’ll actually program your spouse any way you want. If you want to be able to cheat on her without worrying about hurting her feelings, they can do that. If you want her to proposition attractive women for a little triple tricking, they can do that. You won’t even have to go to the bar. They’ll program her to go for you and bring someone back. If you have a fetish, they can...”

“I get the idea. I’m just not interested.”

“I don’t see what’s so great about a real wife,” he twitched and winced, “None of those marriages ever end up happy. Men and women are too different. They want different things. And why would you want to waste time making the same mistake people have already made many times over? Spouse Now! can give you a perfect mate, and she will never ever ask you what your name is.”

“You get a referral fee, don’t you?” The judgmental disappointment in his voice leered down at the married officer.

About the Author

David J. Rollins is a paralegal by day, husband by night, and sometimes finds time to write. As a young man, he had had different plans, but that’s the way life works out most of the time.

David has been writing since Seventh Grade. He started with the adventures of Super Pimp and his sidekick Squirt. His hero was Philip K. Dick, who strangely enough did not write about things like Pimps and Squirts. Like any fan, David wanted to follow in his hero’s footsteps. Unlike most fans, he wanted to follow them even after finding out that his hero, at one point in his life, was so poor that he resorted to eating dog food. What David lacked in aspirations, he made up for in determination.

From those humble beginnings, David became the man he is today. He is happier than he ever thought he would be and is living a life he never imagined in his wildest dreams. And that’s the way David’s life worked out. He was and is very lucky.

As further proof of his luck, David has lost every one of the stories about Super Pimp and his sidekick Squirt. He has also never had to eat dog food. 


EM's Review

I wasn't sure what I was expecting when I picked this book up by just reading the description. But I certainly wasn't expecting a novelette that had me talking about it all weekend to everyone who would listen! David Rollins has created a quirky, sick, but totally enjoyable world in the Sales Crime Policeman

In the futuristic world of manufactured love and fashion, where annoyance is the highest crime, A for-now-unnamed Sales Crime Policeman starts a journey of inner discovery. Well, sort of. Anyway, it's kind of romancy, and kind of comedy, and kind of faux scifi. I really can't pin it down but it's definitely original. anyone who enjoyed Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy will enjoy this quick read.

The story begins in Third Person Omniscient and changes point of view between characters quickly. To some of you this means nothing. That's fine, it won't bother you. Go read the book. I'm not fond of that style, but I got over it in a few short pages as it's really the only way this story can be told. And it is told well. I didn't even notice after while. So if you know what I'm talking about and that style bothers you. Get over it and GET THE BOOK! 

Honestly, It's one of those stories that you want to are with others and joke about forever. Like Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or Monty Python. This book is for anyone. There's nondescript nudity but I don't think youngsters would get most of the humor anyway. Well except for the potty jokes and nudity. But there's a whole other level of sophisticated irony that would just woosh over their heads. 

Overall, a very enjoyable and fun read!

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